


Memory Loss

by Darling_Diver



Category: Agent Carter (TV), Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 10:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7044835
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darling_Diver/pseuds/Darling_Diver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One-shot exploring the changing nature of memories in Steve’s relationships with Peggy and Bucky at various points starting in “The First Avenger” through “Civil War”.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memory Loss

Steve Rogers developed a mixed relationship with memory, as a haunting presence in his own and the lives of those who mattered most to him. 

When Steve fought with the Howling Commandos during WWII, memories of a life riddled with physical inadequacies amplified his drive to defend the world from unseen perils. His ambition to make the world a safer place granted him a security during times when the world threatened to come fall apart. It could be that simple.

Bucky understood what drove his friend from the time the two men were boys. When Steve couldn’t fight, Bucky did. The strength of their bond transcended childhood, friendship, or brotherhood; they were two halves of a whole, balancing each in a world aimed to knock everyone off kilter. Bucky was Steve’s constant until he wasn’t anymore. The day Steve watched his friend fall from the freight car, the concept of loss took on a different dimension in life. It was the first time since before stepping into the experimental capsule in New York he felt utterly powerless. Bucky wasn’t gone in Steve’s mind though, instead he vowed to keep his friend alive by doing enough good in his lifetime for both of them. 

When Peggy found him in the abandoned bar, lamenting the loss before what would be their final mission, Steve ruminated on the difficulties of knowing he would be able to do all the things with life Bucky never could.  _Make the world safer. Get Married. Have a family. Grow old._  But as she always had, Peggy reminded him standing up and moving forward is often the most difficult choice to make.  _Dwelling on what might have been is no way to live._  Little did he know how often she would be forced to remind herself of that very reality in the many years that would lie between the present and future. 

When Steve made the fateful decision to crash the Hydra bomber, he unflinchingly believed it was the right choice but that didn’t stop his chest from constricting. Instantaneously he felt the universe of life collapsing in on itself. Bucky falling replayed through his mind, grappling for connection in the fear and uncertainty of knowing one’s own impending death. Peggy’s voice crackling over the comms device kept him tethered to the moment, amplifying the reality that this meant leaving behind everything he thought lie ahead. He would never live the life his friend could not. He would leave Peggy behind. As the oversized craft hurdled towards oblivion and the radio gave out, Steve braced himself for whatever came next.

Peggy’s fateful words from long ago resonated in his consciousness, “You were meant for more than this, you know.” The radio static sounded like the rain falling when she found him sitting on the platform next to the USO stage. 

He muttered to himself, “We all were.”

*****

Waking up wasn’t the hardest part, learning he was a man out of time was. But Steve wasn’t brought back to reconcile the life left behind, that was the part of him that couldn’t be revived as easily. The abilities he’d been given by Dr. Erskine were needed, which made falling into the job of being an Avenger easier than slowing down to consider the trauma of tremendous personal sacrifice. 

Finding Peggy alive was both a blessing and a curse. Mustering up the courage to see her again only served to amplify his grief, but it became an intoxicating drug. The feelings made him feel alive in a new way. Watching her smile, laugh, and eyes soften as she studied his face gave connection to memories that may have been 70 years in the past, but were only yesterday in his heart and mind. 

The worst was each time she fell into an episode of dementia and rediscovered he was alive. Watching heartbreak wash over Peggy as she realized the love of her life wasn’t buried in ice time and time again was almost enough to make Steve disappear as if he were never found. Her memories ebbed and flowed uncontrollably, lucidity oscillating outside of his control. For all the abilities Steve possessed, none could save them from the tragedy of an un-lived life together. Every visit he promised himself it was the last, for her sake. But Steve inevitably found himself returning time and time again, hungry for the moments of clarity about his own life only she could offer in a world full of the unfamiliar.

The physically unimpressive teen who had met a beautifully fierce woman at basic training so many years ago wanted to crawl into the hospice bed she now lay in and wrap her in his arms. Steve desperately wished he could protect them both from the consequences of the past and present colliding. Steve needed her though, so he rationalized that to disappear again was crueler than being with her. With Peggy, old memories gave new life to corners of Steve’s heart and mind he found easier to leave buried everywhere else. 

He subconsciously vowed to hold onto Peggy until she fell into her own oblivion, no matter how hard it was to watch her fade away. She had stayed with him and now he would do the same for her. 

*****

Steve realized he was waking up in stages. 

The first was his physical body when shield thawed him from the ice. The second was his conviction to fight when the Avengers were assembled for action. The third was his desire for the man behind the Captain America facade to be recognized when he found Peggy. Then came the day he saw Bucky on the bridge, when his hope for the unimaginable sprang back to life. The very same hope that had led him to attempt enlistment over and over again, then to step with blind faith into Dr. Erskine’s experiment. Hope that fostered a resilience, not to merely punch his way through to the next battle but to believe every sacrifice was worth the price. 

Standing in Bucky’s Bucharest apartment, the sting of losing Peggy still fresh, Steve couldn’t contain his hope this time Bucky would know him. Focusing on his friend, Steve willed a different outcome. The single question asked two years before swirled in his mind, “Who the hell is Bucky?”  _He has to remember._ Steve ignored the tactical updates Sam was providing through his earpiece.  _We have time._

“You pulled me from the river. Why?”

Bucky answered without hesitation, “I don’t know.” The flicker of recognition in Bucky’s eyes betrayed him. 

“Yes, you do.” Their intense focus held, the silence overtaking everything in Steve’s awareness momentarily. 

It was just the two of them and they knew the truth - Bucky was waking up too. Steve’s desire to protect his friend surged. The violently fractured past clicked into place with the present for Steve as military troops broke into the room. He and Bucky sprang into action, albeit with different means to an end in mind. 

The tighter Steve held onto Peggy, the more she slipped away. He had been powerless to share his new chance at life with her. He could hear her voice, _The world has changed and none of us can go back_. It would be different with Bucky though, Steve could change the future by doing everything to protect one of the most important people he had ever known. Going back would never be an option, but going forward together would be. 

Things had reversed for the man who had kissed his best girl goodbye and snuck onto the Hydra bomber a lifetime ago, full of innocent hope he would return to see the next adventure. A waterfall of unforeseen events led him to a future where now he and Bucky had a chance to face whatever lie ahead together. With a renewed certainty he’d had 70 years before in the cockpit of the Hydra bomber, Steve knew he could bear the extensive personal cost of doing the right thing.

Recovering Bucky would be worth everything he could give. 


End file.
